I have so many feelings going on in my head right now, it's not even funny. Memories of how he used to be flood in at times when I least expect it. It confuses me. I've been trying to remember all the good times we had. There were unexpected road trips now and then to visit his mom. But really we didn't do a whole lot. My most favorite memories, besides the children being born, would be our camping trips. They were few and far between, but they were the best. It was just us as a family. Nobody to interfere with our talks. Family walks or hikes. Fishing with the kids....

When he worked nights at Smith's, during the summer, I would wait up for him. I would sit at the table working on puzzles after the kids went to bed. It was so nice to just listen to the radio and work on the puzzle. Sometimes he would bring me a shake or a snack. After he would change, he would usually play his video games. But once in a while, he would sit at the table and work on the puzzle with me. We just sit there or he would tell me how work was.

I miss him coming up from behind me, hugging me. And then he would just start to dance with me. Radio on or not. Sometimes I would relax in his arms and just let him take me, let him sing to me. Other times, I could tell he'd been drinking and it was all I could do to stay close to him. But that was at the end.

When I first started to fall in love again, I was so confused. It all felt so right, but I was afraid. Afraid that I was betraying his love by finding another. Afraid I wasn't waiting long enough after becoming a widow. But then I would remember that we were getting a divorce anyway, why should it matter? Then the man I had fallen in love with would come back into my memory and I would feel guilty again. But then the most wonderful thing happened. My children LIKED him. They liked this new man in my life. I had already fallen for him hard. So hard, it ached every time we were apart. I knew something was different about this relationship. I could feel it in my soul. Cheesy, I know, but there you have it.

I think I will always wonder if the reason he left, the reason I didn't find him in time, was because of a bigger plan that I didn't have control over. God has blessed me many times over these last 9 months.....