Memories
Some days, the memories of that weekend come back in little spots here and there. The anger I felt because he wouldn't answer his damn phone. Because he was dumb enough to drink and do what God knows what else in front of the kids. The anger I had because Gordon and Ruth wouldn't help me because of their selfishness.
The images in my head from that first day, that week, that final day.... I just want them to go away. I carry a picture I took of him in my wallet. I took it of him in the hospital once they finally got him stabilized. It's a reminder for me of what happened. Some day, I'll take it out and throw it away.
I can still see him on the floor in my bedroom, just laying there, jerking his hand over his belly. I thought for sure he was just laying there scratching his belly. Until I looked closer and realized it wasn't a voluntary thing. Walking into my room and seeing him on the floor like that.... his cut off jean shorts, no shirt, dried up puke on his face. Drawings all over his chest from the girls trying to wake him up. He had already relieved himself and his eyes were rolling in his head. I don't know how I managed to remain so calm when I called 911. I really don't.
I can still hear that horrible sound from when they took the tube out of his throat. I turned my head into someones chest, I don't even remember who's it was. When I went to clean him up before the kids came in, I felt so defeated. Like God was punishing me for everything I had done wrong as a wife, mother, daughter... All I wanted to do was climb in the bed with him. I just wanted him to hold me one more time. Just one more time....
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Saturday, July 14, 2012
I have so many feelings going on in my head right now, it's not even funny. Memories of how he used to be flood in at times when I least expect it. It confuses me. I've been trying to remember all the good times we had. There were unexpected road trips now and then to visit his mom. But really we didn't do a whole lot. My most favorite memories, besides the children being born, would be our camping trips. They were few and far between, but they were the best. It was just us as a family. Nobody to interfere with our talks. Family walks or hikes. Fishing with the kids....
When he worked nights at Smith's, during the summer, I would wait up for him. I would sit at the table working on puzzles after the kids went to bed. It was so nice to just listen to the radio and work on the puzzle. Sometimes he would bring me a shake or a snack. After he would change, he would usually play his video games. But once in a while, he would sit at the table and work on the puzzle with me. We just sit there or he would tell me how work was.
I miss him coming up from behind me, hugging me. And then he would just start to dance with me. Radio on or not. Sometimes I would relax in his arms and just let him take me, let him sing to me. Other times, I could tell he'd been drinking and it was all I could do to stay close to him. But that was at the end.
When I first started to fall in love again, I was so confused. It all felt so right, but I was afraid. Afraid that I was betraying his love by finding another. Afraid I wasn't waiting long enough after becoming a widow. But then I would remember that we were getting a divorce anyway, why should it matter? Then the man I had fallen in love with would come back into my memory and I would feel guilty again. But then the most wonderful thing happened. My children LIKED him. They liked this new man in my life. I had already fallen for him hard. So hard, it ached every time we were apart. I knew something was different about this relationship. I could feel it in my soul. Cheesy, I know, but there you have it.
I think I will always wonder if the reason he left, the reason I didn't find him in time, was because of a bigger plan that I didn't have control over. God has blessed me many times over these last 9 months.....
When he worked nights at Smith's, during the summer, I would wait up for him. I would sit at the table working on puzzles after the kids went to bed. It was so nice to just listen to the radio and work on the puzzle. Sometimes he would bring me a shake or a snack. After he would change, he would usually play his video games. But once in a while, he would sit at the table and work on the puzzle with me. We just sit there or he would tell me how work was.
I miss him coming up from behind me, hugging me. And then he would just start to dance with me. Radio on or not. Sometimes I would relax in his arms and just let him take me, let him sing to me. Other times, I could tell he'd been drinking and it was all I could do to stay close to him. But that was at the end.
When I first started to fall in love again, I was so confused. It all felt so right, but I was afraid. Afraid that I was betraying his love by finding another. Afraid I wasn't waiting long enough after becoming a widow. But then I would remember that we were getting a divorce anyway, why should it matter? Then the man I had fallen in love with would come back into my memory and I would feel guilty again. But then the most wonderful thing happened. My children LIKED him. They liked this new man in my life. I had already fallen for him hard. So hard, it ached every time we were apart. I knew something was different about this relationship. I could feel it in my soul. Cheesy, I know, but there you have it.
I think I will always wonder if the reason he left, the reason I didn't find him in time, was because of a bigger plan that I didn't have control over. God has blessed me many times over these last 9 months.....
Sunday, May 20, 2012
Almost 2 years ago, I lost my best friend since 3rd grade. This wasn't from my choice, it was his. We were getting a divorce because I got tired of his drinking. It was becoming more important than me and the kids.
When Robert was about 2 years old is when he started accusing me of cheating on him. He used to work over nights at WalMart. One morning he came home and didn't go to bed. Instead he decided to drink with our neighbor. When he finally came home and fell asleep on the couch, it was almost noon. Jonathan came down with a fever. We were out of medicine, so I needed to call my mom for help to get more. When I tried to wake him to unlock his phone so I could use it, it was obviously a hard thing to do. He got mad at me. When I tried again and explained the problem, he jumped off the couch, threw his phone at the wall and started yelling at me. "I'm tired of this shit!! It goes both ways! You can't have it both ways anymore!" is all I can remember him saying. He then came towards me and grabbed me by my upper arms and started pushing me. "I'll push you right off the God damn patio if I have to..." and he started to push me backwards towards the sliding glass door. I was able to wiggle away and I grabbed Kelly and Robert and locked us in our bedroom. (Jonathan was already in there sleeping since he was sick) I believe it took about an hour for him to calm down and waking up enough to realize what had happened and he finally let me use the phone to call my mom.
About a month or so later, he went on another drinking "binge" of sorts with the neighbor. When it got dark and cold out, I told him he needed to come in or at least get his jacket. Instead of doing either, he put on the neighbors daughters jacket. No need to explain how I felt about that one. So I took his jacket, threw it out the door and locked him out. When he came pounding on the door, 20 minutes or so later, needless to say he was pretty pissed. Fine, so was I. Hurt is actually more like it. He started yelling at me again. Getting in my face and yelling and accusing me again. I told him I was going to call the police if he didn't stop, but he kept going. So I dialed.... his mom. (She lived across the street at the time and I figured they could get to me faster.) I acted like I had called the cops and she caught on pretty quick. She told me she would call back to talk to him. So I hung up the phone and she called back. He wouldn't let me answer and he wouldn't answer. But when it kept ringing, he got even more angry and punched the phone off the wall breaking 2 of the mugs hanging on the wall. The result was a nice cut and a broken knuckle.
Years went by after that without any problems. It wasn't until our youngest was born that the anger came back. He was playing music through the PlayStation one night in our room. I got a phone call and so I muted the tv while I took the call. He was sitting on the floor next to me doing something with one of his knives. Apparently, muting the tv was a big no no because he stabbed me in the bottom of my foot. Thank God I was wearing my shoes....
A little bit after that, the accusing just got worse and worse. One time, he got so mad at me for nothing, seriously, it was nothing because I wasn't even in the house at the time. He had gotten so angry at me, that he yanked the phone cord out of the wall breaking the cord. Consequence: After he sobered up, he had to buy us an entirely new phone....
After being accused of it for so many years, yes, I did give in and cheat on him. I was very vulnerable. I had just lost my mom and given birth to my youngest. He didn't pay much attention to me anymore. I felt like a live in maid, babysitter and fuck doll. No compliments, nothing. So when a guy I knew started paying attention to me and told me I was beautiful, it stirred something inside of me I hadn't felt in such a long time. He made me feel like my husband used to make me feel. One thing led to another, I kept getting pushed away, and so I took the guy up on the offer to come to his house. I had sex with him once, but the damage had been done. When I finally told him everything after basically being caught, my heart broke into a million pieces. We had a big fight one night after that where he called me every name in the book. "Two timing cunt whore" is the one I remember the most....
When I had my hysterectomy, we tried to make it work. See, we still loved each other dearly. But then, we got evicted and had to move in with his mom and my brother. It was pure hell living there. All 5 of us had to sleep in their living room. No privacy. Our stuff was stored in the boys room and the boys would go through our stuff whenever they wanted to. Stress levels were out of control. So one night I asked Jason to come get us for the night. I called him and told him that we were going to go there for the night. He asked if he needed to come home, but I told him no, I could handle this. We need the money to try and get our own place again. So guess what came out of his mouth next? "You're just going to take the kids there and leave them while you go fuck somebody." REALLY?!?! That was the beginning of the end for me....
When Robert was about 2 years old is when he started accusing me of cheating on him. He used to work over nights at WalMart. One morning he came home and didn't go to bed. Instead he decided to drink with our neighbor. When he finally came home and fell asleep on the couch, it was almost noon. Jonathan came down with a fever. We were out of medicine, so I needed to call my mom for help to get more. When I tried to wake him to unlock his phone so I could use it, it was obviously a hard thing to do. He got mad at me. When I tried again and explained the problem, he jumped off the couch, threw his phone at the wall and started yelling at me. "I'm tired of this shit!! It goes both ways! You can't have it both ways anymore!" is all I can remember him saying. He then came towards me and grabbed me by my upper arms and started pushing me. "I'll push you right off the God damn patio if I have to..." and he started to push me backwards towards the sliding glass door. I was able to wiggle away and I grabbed Kelly and Robert and locked us in our bedroom. (Jonathan was already in there sleeping since he was sick) I believe it took about an hour for him to calm down and waking up enough to realize what had happened and he finally let me use the phone to call my mom.
About a month or so later, he went on another drinking "binge" of sorts with the neighbor. When it got dark and cold out, I told him he needed to come in or at least get his jacket. Instead of doing either, he put on the neighbors daughters jacket. No need to explain how I felt about that one. So I took his jacket, threw it out the door and locked him out. When he came pounding on the door, 20 minutes or so later, needless to say he was pretty pissed. Fine, so was I. Hurt is actually more like it. He started yelling at me again. Getting in my face and yelling and accusing me again. I told him I was going to call the police if he didn't stop, but he kept going. So I dialed.... his mom. (She lived across the street at the time and I figured they could get to me faster.) I acted like I had called the cops and she caught on pretty quick. She told me she would call back to talk to him. So I hung up the phone and she called back. He wouldn't let me answer and he wouldn't answer. But when it kept ringing, he got even more angry and punched the phone off the wall breaking 2 of the mugs hanging on the wall. The result was a nice cut and a broken knuckle.
Years went by after that without any problems. It wasn't until our youngest was born that the anger came back. He was playing music through the PlayStation one night in our room. I got a phone call and so I muted the tv while I took the call. He was sitting on the floor next to me doing something with one of his knives. Apparently, muting the tv was a big no no because he stabbed me in the bottom of my foot. Thank God I was wearing my shoes....
A little bit after that, the accusing just got worse and worse. One time, he got so mad at me for nothing, seriously, it was nothing because I wasn't even in the house at the time. He had gotten so angry at me, that he yanked the phone cord out of the wall breaking the cord. Consequence: After he sobered up, he had to buy us an entirely new phone....
After being accused of it for so many years, yes, I did give in and cheat on him. I was very vulnerable. I had just lost my mom and given birth to my youngest. He didn't pay much attention to me anymore. I felt like a live in maid, babysitter and fuck doll. No compliments, nothing. So when a guy I knew started paying attention to me and told me I was beautiful, it stirred something inside of me I hadn't felt in such a long time. He made me feel like my husband used to make me feel. One thing led to another, I kept getting pushed away, and so I took the guy up on the offer to come to his house. I had sex with him once, but the damage had been done. When I finally told him everything after basically being caught, my heart broke into a million pieces. We had a big fight one night after that where he called me every name in the book. "Two timing cunt whore" is the one I remember the most....
When I had my hysterectomy, we tried to make it work. See, we still loved each other dearly. But then, we got evicted and had to move in with his mom and my brother. It was pure hell living there. All 5 of us had to sleep in their living room. No privacy. Our stuff was stored in the boys room and the boys would go through our stuff whenever they wanted to. Stress levels were out of control. So one night I asked Jason to come get us for the night. I called him and told him that we were going to go there for the night. He asked if he needed to come home, but I told him no, I could handle this. We need the money to try and get our own place again. So guess what came out of his mouth next? "You're just going to take the kids there and leave them while you go fuck somebody." REALLY?!?! That was the beginning of the end for me....
Sunday, March 4, 2012
My Sister, My Best Friend
My sister is my best friend in the whole world. I really hate that she lives so far away from me. It really makes me sad to know that she's 8 hours away from me.
I remember shopping with my sister. She used to work at the Broadway at Del Amo mall in California. She is the wonderful person that started my love for shoes!!!! Lol (I so love a good pair of shoes.) I can't remember how it happened, but somehow my sister signed me up to be in a fashion show there. I wore a red dress that had pockets on the front. One of them had a mouse on the pocket with I think some books under it. When we were done, a couple of the girls and I thought we were supposed to go back to the room we changed in, so we missed the "bow" at the end. Oops
When she got married, I wasn't just a flower girl either. I had a big girl dress and was called a bridesmaid. Of sorts. Lol She was the best!!!! We still had our shopping days too. She bought me my first pair of Sasoons and Jordache jeans!!!! She took me to a mall once that had a skating rink and I got to go skating after lunch! The drives we would take, it was great.
Her husband LOVED racing. He would always go to the Ascot race track in Gardena, CA. So, almost every Saturday, he was there filming the races. I always liked to go when I could. It was fun!! My favorite sprint car was a florescent green one and I got his autograph once!! The best times to go was always for the race around the 4th of July. FIREWORKS BABY!!!! (I think all of us kids got the LOVE of fireworks from our mom. Lol) Then there were some Saturdays that she wouldn't go and she would come hang out with me and mom and dad. Those time were awesome too!! Shopping and dinner with the 3 of us girls, EPOCH!! Sometimes my dad would go, but it was rare. Our favorite place to eat in the mall was a Greek place. Armo's Kabob. SOOOOOOOOO Yummy!!!!!
When dad passed and mom moved us up here, she stayed in CA with her husband. We came back for our first Christmas and I got to go to Disneyland with her. It was great, til it started to rain on us. Lol It was Lake Disney when we went to get in the car. A few years later, the 2 ended up moving to UT with us. I had my sister again!! When I got pregnant with Jonathan, she was mad, angry and hurt. They had tried for kids with no luck. Mom told her to put all that anger and feelings into the baby. She was there when he was born. (Now that's a story for another time.)
When mom passed, the whole family just fell apart, but she was there for me. I was pregnant with my 4th kid. When my marriage fell apart, she was there for me. When my husband passed away, she was there for me. Now that my life has started to come back together, she's still there for me. And I know she will be there for me for years to come too
I remember shopping with my sister. She used to work at the Broadway at Del Amo mall in California. She is the wonderful person that started my love for shoes!!!! Lol (I so love a good pair of shoes.) I can't remember how it happened, but somehow my sister signed me up to be in a fashion show there. I wore a red dress that had pockets on the front. One of them had a mouse on the pocket with I think some books under it. When we were done, a couple of the girls and I thought we were supposed to go back to the room we changed in, so we missed the "bow" at the end. Oops
When she got married, I wasn't just a flower girl either. I had a big girl dress and was called a bridesmaid. Of sorts. Lol She was the best!!!! We still had our shopping days too. She bought me my first pair of Sasoons and Jordache jeans!!!! She took me to a mall once that had a skating rink and I got to go skating after lunch! The drives we would take, it was great.
Her husband LOVED racing. He would always go to the Ascot race track in Gardena, CA. So, almost every Saturday, he was there filming the races. I always liked to go when I could. It was fun!! My favorite sprint car was a florescent green one and I got his autograph once!! The best times to go was always for the race around the 4th of July. FIREWORKS BABY!!!! (I think all of us kids got the LOVE of fireworks from our mom. Lol) Then there were some Saturdays that she wouldn't go and she would come hang out with me and mom and dad. Those time were awesome too!! Shopping and dinner with the 3 of us girls, EPOCH!! Sometimes my dad would go, but it was rare. Our favorite place to eat in the mall was a Greek place. Armo's Kabob. SOOOOOOOOO Yummy!!!!!
When dad passed and mom moved us up here, she stayed in CA with her husband. We came back for our first Christmas and I got to go to Disneyland with her. It was great, til it started to rain on us. Lol It was Lake Disney when we went to get in the car. A few years later, the 2 ended up moving to UT with us. I had my sister again!! When I got pregnant with Jonathan, she was mad, angry and hurt. They had tried for kids with no luck. Mom told her to put all that anger and feelings into the baby. She was there when he was born. (Now that's a story for another time.)
When mom passed, the whole family just fell apart, but she was there for me. I was pregnant with my 4th kid. When my marriage fell apart, she was there for me. When my husband passed away, she was there for me. Now that my life has started to come back together, she's still there for me. And I know she will be there for me for years to come too
Friday, March 2, 2012
My life has been soo freaking crazy. As far back as I can remember, it was always just...... FULL. Tons of family always over and nothing but chaos. Being the youngest of 8 children isn't easy. My oldest brother is 21 years older than me. The next is 20, then 18. My sister and my best friend is 14 years older. The next brother is 11 years older, then 10, then 6. I was kind of an OOPS!! My oldest brother got married when I was only about 2. I don't remember it at all, but I still have the basket I carried as the flower girl. Apparently I cried a lot so when the next brother got married, I only had a matching outfit and wasn't in it. (Darn) I was 3 when my first niece was born. Her and her sister were my best friends for YEARS!!!! They also had a son while I remember them living in Arizona for a while. Then San Diego before moving in with us at our house in Carson for a while. Then they found a place in Wilmington and lived there til Mom and I moved to Utah.
My next brother used to have a house not too far from the beach. I remember being there for a party once. I slipped and fell and was crying in my Moms arms when he came up and told me to be quiet cuz I was being to loud. (Really?) The next house was a nice one on the corner of a street. They had 2 boys and a HUGE salt water tank. He had a '57 Chevy Nomad that became the bane of his existence. When they got divorced, he moved back in with us and she had the boys. His drinking got worse and he got into drugs. He spent a lot of time in the garage. One time, I guess the depression got to him too much and he decided to end it all. I was outside playing with some friends and my nieces. I was an Ewok!! I heard something from the garage and thought my brother was calling me, so I yelled back, "What?!" No answer, so I went back to playing. Then the noise again. So this time I got up and went over to the garage to see what he needed, thinking he was calling me. When I got to the garage, all I could do was scream. He was hanging from the rafters of the garage with a speaker wire. All I could think to do was scream for my mom. I started running into the house screaming for her, but she wasn't there!! Mom and Dad had gone grocery shopping and only my oldest brother and his wife were there. I don't remember much after getting into the house. My oldest took over and his wife held me after getting all the other kids into the house.
That's all I want to think about today.....
My next brother used to have a house not too far from the beach. I remember being there for a party once. I slipped and fell and was crying in my Moms arms when he came up and told me to be quiet cuz I was being to loud. (Really?) The next house was a nice one on the corner of a street. They had 2 boys and a HUGE salt water tank. He had a '57 Chevy Nomad that became the bane of his existence. When they got divorced, he moved back in with us and she had the boys. His drinking got worse and he got into drugs. He spent a lot of time in the garage. One time, I guess the depression got to him too much and he decided to end it all. I was outside playing with some friends and my nieces. I was an Ewok!! I heard something from the garage and thought my brother was calling me, so I yelled back, "What?!" No answer, so I went back to playing. Then the noise again. So this time I got up and went over to the garage to see what he needed, thinking he was calling me. When I got to the garage, all I could do was scream. He was hanging from the rafters of the garage with a speaker wire. All I could think to do was scream for my mom. I started running into the house screaming for her, but she wasn't there!! Mom and Dad had gone grocery shopping and only my oldest brother and his wife were there. I don't remember much after getting into the house. My oldest took over and his wife held me after getting all the other kids into the house.
That's all I want to think about today.....
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